Wine, Anyone??

I have mentioned a few times on this blog our love for our neighbors. Well, it's been almost 5 years since we all moved in and we unanimously agreed that we're all much more of a family at this point. It's so nice to have my nearest and dearest just a couple doors down or a quick walk across the court. I love these people.

We recently took a Wine Tasting Tour in Amador and El Dorado counties sans kids. Stacie even arranged a limo for the event. We had a blast and even stopped off in Plymouth for a nice dinner at Taste Restaurant (which I would highly recommend, by the way) on our way home. Thanks again to my WONDERFUL mother-in-law for watching my boys and allowing Mike and I some adult time :) xox!

THIS is what happens after lots of good Zin.

Sick Baby

Last Friday night was like any other night in the Phillips household. Jackson had gone to a sleepover at a friend's house and Christian was happily playing until bedtime. We started his bedtime routine as we do every other night: bath, pj's, books and bed...and he went down without a problem. Flash forward to 5am the next day..the ungodly hour Christian decided to break our peaceful slumber with his piercing scream. We let him fuss for a moment, sure that he would go back to sleep but he only cried louder. Letting my husband sleep, I trudged across the hall to his room, opened his shutters and looked to see our baby with one swollen goopy eye closed shut. Yup, pink eye. I called the dr and she called in a prescription right away. But, I kid you not, Christian's eye was so swollen - he looked like Quasimodo (sp?) and when we bravely ventured beyond the confines of our home to shop for our new floors (yes, we kept him away from other children) people looked at him like he was deformed..but never said anything. Of course, I had to let the cat out of the bag each time which sent Mothers and children running away as if he was ridden with swine flu. (Don't get me started on that either.)

So, poor baby has endured drops in his eye 3x's a day only to have the pink eye transfer to his other eye the next morning. So, you guessed it, drops 3x's a day in 2 eyes. Mind you, Christian fights and kicks the ENTIRE time making it a really fun workout if you like wrestling feisty toddlers. 

Thank the Lord he had his well-baby check up on Monday morning. Lo and behold, he also has an ear infection on top of the pink eye. So now he is on antibiotic drops for his eyes and antibiotics for his ear. As if we (he) hasn't endured enough, THIS morning (Tuesday) the oral antibiotics gave him a horrible case of diarrhea which has led to a Code Red diaper rash on his poor little bottom. So bad, in fact, that the skin has broken and my poor monkey can hardly sit on his bottom in the bath without crying..

The silver lining in all of this is that all of these issues are treatable and in the meantime Mike and I get extra cuddles and kisses as little thank-you's in between the wrestling matches. I love being a mom :)

(Old picture, cute baby. More recent pics to come...)

The Journey

There are so many moments throughout the day when I step back and look at my children and just gasp at what miracles they are. Tonight, as I was rocking Christian to sleep, I watched his chest rise and fall as he slept so peacefully. After a day full of opening cupboards, tearing apart the family room and wrestling his big brother, he was out cold..and it dawned on me in that moment that at 11-months-old, he is at the age that Drew would have been the day Christian was born. I smiled and thought of what a handful that would have been, having both an 11-month-old and a newborn at the same time. I can barely keep it together with one baby now, much less two. But it didn't take long before the amusement was overshadowed by an intense sadness and emptiness, as my mind wandered to what might have been.

Sometimes I wonder if this will ever get easier. It ebbs and flows - I have good moments and rough ones still. I work so hard to focus my mind on what I have to be thankful for here, but I do long to see Drew again so badly that it is crippling at times.

But as quickly as those moments come, they can be taken away almost as quickly by laughter from Jackson, wet kisses from Christian or an embrace from Mike. I know I'll get there, it's just the journey that's been changed a bit. But maybe that's part of what I'm supposed to learn..that the darkness and pain of Drew's death in contrast to those moments with my family that make my heart burst with joy only makes life seem that much sweeter and worth appreciating and holding on to..

Soccer Players & Trouble Makers

It doesn't get much sweeter than this. It's times like these (and they are frequent) when Mike and I look at each other and realize that THIS is what life is all about.



Christian has been given free reign of this one cupboard, and he is a pro at tearing it apart.



More trouble making!


Sitting on a plate, chewing on a cup; all in a day's work for the 9 month old.




Who, me??



Jackson played on the EDH Select soccer team, the Hotspurs this year - and they won the championship!! He is such a great soccer player!!




The champions!!



EDH Select Soccer is Number 1!!




My happy baby!




Trouble!!

Lake Tahoe Fun

Daddy & Christian relaxing


Lake Tahoe fun with our friends


Dad & Christian on a walk in the Tahoe Keys park



Jackson, Jameson & Logan playing football



Who will catch it!?



Christian swinging



More swinging



Austin & Christian enjoying some Cabo Wabo



Getting ready for a walk in the backpack, clearly sleepy!







Yes, it was dark brown, but now we're back to blonde. ;) Jackson and Mom warm up by the fire.



I love these boys!!



Here comes trouble!!

Halloween

Maui 2008 - Part II

Maui 2008 - Part I

Catching Up...

Twins!


Not so happy..


Big brother reading nursery rhymes to me...


Lost both teeth!!


Looks like Mommy in this pic!


Best buds


Too cute!!


Kisses from Mommy


Enjoying lunch with Papa

Take Every Thought Captive by Max Lucado

Today's thoughts are tomorrow's actions.
Today's jealousy is tomorrow's temper tantrum.
Today's bigotry is tomorrow's hate crime.
Today's anger is tomorrow's abuse.
Today's lust is tomorrow's adultery.
Today's greed is tomorrow's embezzlement.
Today's guilt is tomorrow's fear.

Could that be why Paul writes, "Love ... keeps no record of wrongs" (1 Cor. 13:5 NIV)?
Some folks don't know we have an option.
Paul says we do: "We capture every thought and make it give up and obey Christ" (2 Cor. 10:5).
Do you hear some battlefield jargon in that passage--"capture every thought," "make it give up" and "obey Christ"? You get the impression that we are the soldiers and the thoughts are the enemies.
It was for Jesus. Remember the thoughts that came his way courtesy of the mouth of Peter? Jesus had just prophesied his death, burial, and resurrection, but Peter couldn't bear the thought of it. "Peter took Jesus aside and told him not to talk like that.... Jesus said to Peter, 'Go away from me, Satan! You are not helping me! You don't care about the things of God, but only about the things people think are important'" (Matt. 16:22--23). See the decisiveness of Jesus?
What if you did that? What if you took every thought captive? What if you took the counsel of Solomon: "Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life" (Prov. 4:23).
You are not a victim of your thoughts. You have a vote. You have a voice. You can exercise thought prevention. You can also exercise thought permission.
Change the thoughts, and you change the person. If today's thoughts are tomorrow's actions, what happens when we fill our minds with thoughts of God's love? Will standing beneath the downpour of his grace change the way we feel about others?
Paul says absolutely! It's not enough to keep the bad stuff out. We've got to let the good stuff in. It's not enough to keep no list of wrongs. We have to cultivate a list of blessings. The same verb Paul uses for keeps in the phrase "keeps no list of wrongs" is used for think in Philippians 4:8: "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things" (RSV). Thinking conveys the idea of pondering--studying and focusing, allowing what is viewed to have an impact on us.
Rather than store up the sour, store up the sweet.

A Rainbow after the Storm

The day after Drew died our pastor came to our house to sit down with us and help us to make sense of the sheer hell we were enduring. At that time, we were desperate and clinging to his words for any ounce of hope he could provide us. One thing he said was that we would be required to comfort others with the same comfort that we had received during our time of pain (2 Cor. 1:3-5). I remember being afraid for my friends and family - and not wanting to have anyone else endure the pain that we were suddenly in the midst of.

The loss of a child is rare, in and of itself - so I began to believe for the best. But unfortunately, God called us to comfort some of those nearest and dearest to us in their time of similar excruciating pain. We have sat in silence, cried and prayed with our friends and family members over their precious babies..and have asked all of the same questions again - but have also tried to offer some sort of hope for whatever it's worth. The one thing that Mike and I have found to be surprising is that others have actually apologized and felt sorry for us, believing that we would have to "re-live" our experience through comforting them. Nothing could be further from the truth. What has been the most difficult has not been "re-living" Drew's death - but it has been in watching our closest friends walk through a pain so unrelenting, unbearable and intense. Knowing EXACTLY the feelings they are feeling and the nightmare they are wading through is by far the most difficult part for us. Looking at them, is like looking back in time at ourselves in that position..and it hurts because we remember, we still feel it and we very much want to protect and shield them from this horribly unfair reality. It's very much like watching a freight train head for someone you love, and being powerless to stop it.

One question that has been posed to me throughout these moments is if Christian has taken away the pain of losing Drew. My very simple answer to that question is no. The pregnancy with Christian was very different for us - we were afraid to be excited but forced to move forward as our baby grew each day. But it was a very healing and cathartic experience to walk through it again. I had no choice but to let go and trust God - I used the time to reflect, to grieve, to grow closer to God and my husband and Jackson - to strengthen my friendships - and to HOPE. There were many ups and downs throughout those long months - I even feared the possibility that I would not be able to love this baby as I had my precious Drew. But on March 26th, 2008 all of that changed. Christian came into this world and flooded our hearts with more joy than we thought possible. Holding him and looking into his eyes in those first moments was indescribably life changing for both of us. He is a new baby - separate from his brother - but just as unique and special..and so very loved. I would even venture to say that the emotions of holding Christian were more powerful and moving for me than any other single event I have experienced in my life ... perhaps because I now appreciate the value of life so much more than I had before our son died.

We still miss Drew - but having Christian has brought hope and healing. He is our miracle baby - our rainbow after the storm. His laughter, smiles, coos and even screaming cries serve as reminders from God that He is very much still in control and has plans for us that far outweigh all that we have dreamt of ourselves.

So, to all of you who are suffering the loss of a child and want to try again - this is our experience for what it's worth. We would encourage you to not be afraid - to step out in faith and try again if that is what you decide to do. Just over a year ago we couldn't imagine even genuinely laughing again...but now we cannot imagine our lives without our sweet baby Christian..... and our days are now overflowing with sheer joy...(oh, and some spit up and diapers ;) )

Thank you Lord!

Happy Birthday Stacie!!

Our good friend Stacie celebrated her 30th birthday in style this year with a fun-filled karaoke party at Scott's Seafood. We jumped at the opportunity to have a night out without the kids...and had waaaaay too much fun!!

Stacie, Jessica and Andrea singing Britney Spears..very heartfelt, as you can tell..haha.



Mike enjoying a chicken skewer earlier in the evening...



Mike and Ryan belting it out...(notice Mike's popped collar! HA!)



Jessica, Lisa and Gabby... Something must have really excited me for this picture. Maybe it was that lemon drop..



Still excited with Lisa



Still smiling after nearly 6 years of wedded bliss!



Mike and James getting into their song... literally.



Jessica, Stacie and Lisa



Getting into character for Gloria Gaynor's 'I will survive'



All the EDH wives...



Annnnd a few EDH Backstreet Boys, er, I mean husbands...



James and Mike singing... AGAIN. I lost count of how many songs these two sang together.




Jessica, Stacie & Andrea

Happy Birthday Jackson!

For Jackson's 8th birthday this year, we were crazy enough to open our home (and backyard) to 6 rambunctious boys...for the night. Yes, you read that right - Jackson had a sleep over while we had a new baby. Crazy? Absolutely. Fun? Definitely. We are still recovering..


Jackson's friends Tyler and Jonnah attempting to jump on the beach ball...


Jonnah settled for the water noodle...


A remote control boat from Nana & Papa Phillips! Thanks!!



A custom made cake (also compliments of Nana)..

Happy Birthday my son!!

Catching up..

Talking in the morning...


And still talking...


Wine tasting with Mommy & Daddy in Napa...


Mike & Christian



Tummy time...


Enjoying what's left of Folsom Lake...


Jackson taking a dip...



Brothers

Katie's Bachelorette Bash

Me and my dearest friend Katie

Reading her wedding night advice..

All the girls and our blushing bride! Congratulations Katie!!

A Miniature Michael

Umm, whose lips are those??? Definitely a Daddy's boy!

SO cute :)


Chunky Monkey

Catching Up..

Jackson, Emma and Christian

Squeaky clean!

Tummy time with big brother

Adorable!

Big smile!

Best Buds

Stacie and I enjoying our last days of pregnancy together..

And enjoying our baby boys just a week later! Christian and Austin are destined to be best friends!

The Purple Crayon

Well aren't I just the Suzy Homemaker extraordinaire? I have been drowning in laundry since our little one arrived and in my haste to "get it done" I failed to check all of Jackson's pockets .. in which he had apparently stashed a broken purple crayon. What do you get when you throw a bunch of clothes into the dryer with one purple crayon?? You guessed it - a load of tie-dyed purple clothes! Gotta love it!! And I have no one to blame but myself, nonetheless. When I asked Jackson about said crayon, he responded "Well, yeah Mom. I was using a lot of purple that day - so I just decided to keep it with me."

Ahhh, the joys of motherhood. :)

Sweet Relief!!

I really should be sleeping right now - but instead I am listening to the sweet baby snores coming from our little Christian and basking in the overwhelming love that we have for him. I had honestly forgotten just how much work a newborn could be - but I truly couldn't be happier. I am absolutely exhausted 99% of the time - but deliriously happy. Words can't even describe just how very blessed we feel after all we have been through.

Christian decided to come about a week and a half ahead of schedule. I was having some contractions and thought I would go get it checked out - certain that I would be sent home - but once I got to the hospital and they checked me, I was informed that I was already at 5 cm and would be staying. In that moment I felt intense fear - and braced myself to lose our baby again. I was afraid to be excited. We had a lot of friends and family there throughout the labor which helped to calm my nerves a bit - but we were still pretty nervous. Once Christian was born they placed him on my stomach and performed all of their apgar checks as he laid there. They had to tell me a million times he was healthy before I would believe it. We had skin to skin contact for a full hour before he was taken to the nursery to get cleaned up..and when they brought him back to me I asked again if he was healthy. It was such an overwhelmingly joyful and relieving experience to bring Christian home the next day... to finally have a baby to put in our once empty nursery was indescribably exciting. I just brought him into his room and rocked him and cried tears of pure joy.

Just weeks later we celebrated Drew's 1st birthday, with Christian in our arms. It was all very bittersweet - but for me, I was ready to finish out that year. It is hard to comprehend that just one year ago we held another baby boy in our arms and lost him. Holding Christian has reminded us of what we have lost and just how valuable it really was - but at the same time it has given us hope. I am regularly asked if Christian is my first child - to which I explain, no - he is my third. I will never forget Drew or act as though he did not exist. I feel him in my heart and know that we will all be together again one day. I am just so incredibly grateful for another healthy boy and for all that we have to look forward to as a family as we continue to heal and grow stronger.

Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes - we will be posting some more pictures up soon!

Two babies in one year, phew! Somebody pass the birth control!!

Every Good and Perfect Gift is from Above..

Just can't get enough..

We are so very much in love with our new little guy..

Christian Drew

I'm here, screaming and healthy!!

Hi, Daddy!

Cousin Emma visits

I have the best big brother ever!

He loves to hold me!

It's a boy!!

Welcome to the world Christian Drew Phillips!! Born @ 12:20am on March 26, 2008..weighing in at a healthy 7lbs 9oz and 19 inches long.

Mom and baby are doing great! Details and pictures to follow!

30 Weeks & Counting!

Ok, ok, I admit..I am bad at the timely blog updates! Better late than never, right? ;) Things are going really, really well for us. We have reached 30 weeks of pregnancy so far and are officially in our third trimester. This baby is unbelievably active - and regularly attacks me fiercely from within! There are no such things as gentle movements with this little one!

Everything has been looking great thus far. We had a level II ultrasound which basically is a more in depth ultrasound used to rule out any possible problems. They can even see the blood flow within the placenta..it is truly amazing. The baby looks great, and no - we did not find out the sex. After all we have been through, we would like something sweet to look forward to. We know all too well that as our parents, siblings and friends wait for the baby to be born - they will be nervous..and this gives everyone something fun to look forward to.

It is really strange, as I have shared with some of you already, to be moving toward meeting this new little person at the same time that we move toward the anniversary of Drew's birth and death. This baby will be born less than a year after Drew and we will (God willing) have a new baby here with us as we experience what should have been Drew's 1st birthday. I don't think Mike or I have words to describe how that feels. It is a mix of bittersweet emotions and we just continue to trust God through it. He knows what He is doing. This baby certainly wasn't planned or expected by either of us, but it is very interesting to us that he or she is due nearly a year to the date that Drew was born...

Other than that, we have been doing great. We have such great friends and family and have actually laughed a lot over the last 9+ months. More than I think either of us thought we would. God has been so incredibly good to us as we have completely surrendered to His will. In fact, I don't think that I truly understood the meaning of surrender until I lost my son. It was in that maddening moment that I realized, I have absolutely no control over my life. Any control that I thought I had was only perceived. As we head toward the birth of this baby, I have really been forced to come to terms with that. A good friend reminded me the other day that the outcome for this pregnancy has already been determined. There is nothing that I can do to change what is already written. "It is finished," She told me. "Thank Him." That really struck me. It is freeing to know that the One who holds my very life in His hands loves me enough to send His only son to die for me..He knows what is best and He wants to bless me. The Bible actually says that He wants to do exceedingly and abundantly above and beyond all we could dare to ask or think (Ephesians 3:20-21). Think about that...I would rather have Him in control than myself - any day of the week!! After all, the last time I tried to handle life without Him, things got a little messy!!

"Be still and know that I am God.." Psalm 46:10

A Frozen New Year's

We ventured out with the Spitz and Thum families for a little New Year's Eve dinner this year.. brave, indeed. We waited at Joe's Crabshack for a good 2 hours before being seated. The kids were such good sports!!

Christmas Morning

Warming up fire-side before our Christmas morning prayer.

A new bike!!

Like Father, like son..

Cranston Holiday Fun!

In the three years since we have moved into our home, we have been blessed with the greatest friends in our neighbors. So much so, that we have agreed to stay put! Our court parties have become regular events, and we had many of them this season! Below are pics from Gabby & Steve's annual kid-less bash as well as one from James & Stacie's event..
Hey, you really can't beat walking across the street to attend your parties!!


Posing with James & Stacie..

James, Stacie and the hostess with the mostest, Miss Martha Stewart incarnate, Gabby!

Two pregnant chicks with water and their skinny friend.

Yes, this is the only picture I got of this particular soiree. Sorry Stace. But you look extra cute eating your pot de creme - and I needed to include Lisa somehow ;)

Happy Thanksgiving!

We have so much to be thankful for this holiday season - it's funny but I feel more grateful this Thanksgiving than I think I ever have before. That's something that may be hard for many of you to understand but out of our pain and loss this year has come overwhelming peace, love and hope.

We are so thankful for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, without which, we would have nothing. The love that He lavishly pours out on his sons and daughters is like no other. My words fail me as I try to convey the depth of my own love and trust for Him - how do you thank someone who gave so much for us all to have life? How do you thank the One who created you, knows you intimately and still loves you in spite of your deepest, darkest secrets? I can be a pretty rude person - I am human - I fail like anyone else, and He STILL LOVES ME..If it had only been me..or if it had only been you - He still would have died…just for you - because that's how much He loves you and I. It is incomprehensible to me - and I am so incredibly grateful for a love that I do not deserve. Thank you, Lord.

“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. You’re mine. When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end — Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That’s how much you mean to me! That’s how much I love you! I’d sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you.” Isaiah 43:2-3



Thank you, Lord, for my husband, Mike - a man after your own heart.. A man who loves me more and more each day and doesn't let a day pass without telling me so. Thank you for preparing us for each other - long before we each took our first breath. Thank you for knowing the hardships we would face together and for giving me a man that would prove to stand beside me in the worst of times. Thank you for a man that loves his children - a man that took my own son in as his own and has treated him that way ever since. A man that coaches every soccer and little league team, a man that cheers his son on from the sidelines. For a man that takes his son outside to play in the rain... A man that makes me laugh so hard, my sides hurt – and holds me when I cry. A man who takes care of his family and friends with fierce loyalty, a man with a heart of gold – who opens his home and his heart for everyone, and who is shameless in his worship for you. A man who teaches his unborn children about Sports Center and the Red Sox, and waits in great anticipation for their kicks in return. This man that you have blessed me with, this marriage that you have given me – blows my mind, humbles me and makes me stand in awe of just how wonderful every gift from you is. Mike is a treasure to my heart and our marriage gets sweeter and sweeter with each passing year. Thank you for Mike.

“A cord of three strands is not easily broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12



Thank you for our son, Jackson, who lights up our days and makes every moment brighter. Thank you for his passion for learning, his obsession with all things dangerous and daring, and his quick-witted sense of humor. Thank you for his love of sports, his energy and will to win at any cost, and his sense to keep a running tally of goals scored in his 7 years of life. Thank you for his love of animals, his compassionate heart and forgiving spirit. Thank you for a son that is not afraid to say “I love you, Mom & Dad,” in front of his friends but still hesitates at kissing mom in front of the school yard. Thank you for a son who you have strengthened and prepared to handle some of life’s most crushing blows – I thank you that you knew what he would face and that you have prepared him in such a way that all things will work together for good in his life. Thank you for giving him a little brother after he prayed for one day and night. Thank you for the memories that Jackson has of Drew, for the dreams you give him of his little brother each night, and for the promise of their sweet reunion one day. Thank you for this child that brings so much more to our lives than we could have ever dreamt possible. Thank you for Jackson.

Thank you, Lord, for our precious son, Drew. Thank you so much for the time we had with him. Thank you for allowing me the honor of carrying him for 40 weeks. Thank you for those first kicks, for the way he stretched those long Phillips family legs well into my ribs. Thank you for the way that he brought our family closer than we ever could have imagined. Thank you for a smooth pregnancy and delivery and for allowing us those first peaceful moments with our new baby. Thank you for protecting us from knowing what would come the next day – and in doing so, allowing us to fully immerse ourselves in the moments we had with him. Thank you for how beautiful he was – for allowing us to look into his eyes and capture breathtaking photographs of his first moments in the world. Thank you for taking him home – though we miss him, Lord – we know that your will is far greater than our own and that he is safe in your arms waiting for us to join him. We thank you so much and are eternally grateful for our precious baby. Thank you for Drew.

“Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.” Psalm 127:3-5



Thank you for the surprise of our new baby. Thank you for each and every heartbeat, each and every kick, each and every moment. Thank you for teaching us to savor this pregnancy – to hold on and wait on you. Thank you for this little life growing inside of me – thank you for blessing us so much sooner than we had expected and for giving us peace that transcends all understanding as we walk through this again. Thank you for your promises – that in all things you work for the good of those who love you. Thank you for this new life.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Phillippians 4:6-7



We are especially thankful to the Lord for all of you. (Yes, you.) Every single one of our friends, family and co-workers..We are blessed to know you and honored that you would take time out of your life to visit our site. We are humbled by your outpouring of friendship and love, and desire to give back to you all that you have given to us and more. God has blessed our lives through each and every one of you and for that, we are forever grateful.

“As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend …. As in water face reflects face, so a man's heart reveals the man.” Proverbs 27:17, 19



We have so much to be thankful for, not only on Thanksgiving, but everyday. May we look around us this season and stop to consider all that we have been blessed with – and may that knowledge inspire us to hold on to what truly matters – to be a better friend, husband, wife, mother, father, sister, brother, son or daughter. May we pour out the blessings that we have received freely upon others so that they, too, would know God’s love, and would be blessed in return.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Sweet Dreams

When Jackson was younger, he would always ask me to sing a certain lullaby to him each night. I sang that same song to him for years, every night without fail. Just recently, the song came to mind and I began to sing it to him. As I sang each word, I thought not only of my precious Jackson - but also of what would have been..and what should have been with Drew. But as I came to the chorus, I lost my composure - as it seems this song was perfectly written with Drew in mind. The words sting when I hear them - for now I hear them as a love song from a heartbroken mother to her beloved son. I still feel all of these same words for Jackson, and it will always be a song that began between him and I. But now, it also has new meaning to me. I miss my son - and have such a strong connection with him still - as though there is a cord between his heart and mine that can never be cut. The song below is now not only my song for my first baby, Jackson..but also to my second baby, Drew.

Godspeed (Dixie Chicks)

Dragon Tales and the water is wide

Pirates sail and lost boys fly

Fish bite moonbeams every night

And I love you

-

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings

Godspeed, sweet dreams

-

The rocket racer's all tuckered out

Superman's in pajamas on the couch

Goodnight Moon will find the mouse

And I love you

-

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings

Godspeed, sweet dreams

-

God bless Mommy and matchbox cars

God bless Dad and thanks for the stars

God hears amen wherever we are

And I love you

-

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings

Godspeed, Godspeed

Godspeed, sweet dreams

Boys will be boys

I made pulled bbq pork last night for dinner, a favorite of my husband's. Here is an excerpt from our kitchen conversation last night.

Mike (speaking to me): This meat is really tender. How did you get it to shred like that?
Jessica: The crockpot helped steam it during the day, but it's just the cut of meat.
Mike: What kind of roast is this?
Jessica: Pork butt roast (sidebar, it IS really called that, check your local meat section)
Jackson: Oooh, we're eating butt??
Jessica: No, it's just the name. (not sure about that..)

15 minutes later..

Jackson: Can I please have some more butt?

Imagine my pride. (He won't be repeating that again!)

BIG News

...WE'RE EXPECTING

We are very surprised, but very excited at the same time. Drew's condition was not genetic, and the doctor's have told us that it would be like hitting the lottery twice for that to happen again...incredibly unlikely. We are told that our odds for having a healthy baby are overwhelming. We are, however, understandably nervous and just want want to fast forward through the rest of the pregnancy. But God is good, and we are just choosing to walk by faith and trust in Him. The baby is doing very well; we have had several ultrasounds to prove it.

It is very surreal to be pregnant with #3 after just having had #2. This baby is due April 7th, 2008...one week before Drew's 1st birthday.

We appreciate your prayers and thoughts during this exciting but scary time.

We hope we have wonderful news to announce come April, and look forward to meeting this new little one with great anticipation.

Summer Fun

Life doesn't get much better than this! Dad and Jackson making waves on the wave runner in Lake Tahoe.

Come on Dad! Enough pictures, hit the gas!!


Jackson and Jameson enjoying the warm jacuzzi after a swim in the so-called "chilly" heated indoor pool.


It's a race!


Jackson and Jameson spent most of their time at the beach digging a massive hole.

Update

We have received a lot of complaints in recent weeks that we have not updated our blog - I hadn't even realized how long it had been myself, but since I realize so many of you check in to the site to see how we're doing, I will oblige.

Well, Jackson just started 2nd grade, and as always, he is the joy of our lives and makes life worth living. He is just so much fun to watch grow up. He has such an amazing spirit and strong faith that he challenges Mike and I to strive for that same simple, child-like faith. I often find myself trying to sift through facts, analyze and question God over and over. But Jackson has it absolutely right - I need to loosen my grip and just trust. I will see better if I just let go and close my eyes. Jackson is an incredible blessing in our lives - a reward from God. My mom mentioned to me the other day that she remembers me saying as a new single mom at 19 that I felt like I had been given a gift in spite of screwing up. And it's true. I don't deserve such a gift - but Jackson is one of the absolute greatest treasures that God has given me..knowing how undeserving I am. I look at him..and at life in a whole new light now. I constantly question my choices, my time, my lifestyle..and have realized that at the end of all of this - it won't be about who I knew, what material things I accumulated, or even what I did..what will matter is how I lived. Unfortunately it took a tragedy to change my perspective - but I can't change what happened, and so I am atleast grateful for the renewed sense of what is important.

On that note - we received a call from the cemetery letting us know that Drew's headstone is in place. I was emotionally ready to go before Mike and so I made the short drive by myself..his grave is located in a beautiful cemetery in our area on a hill under an oak tree. It is a beautiful location. My mom had reminded me prior to going to remember that he is not there..he is in Heaven. And although I knew that, it was a good reminder because I had no idea the flood that would come over me as I walked toward the granite headstone bearing his name. It was hard to remember that he wasn't there...and it was overwhelming to sit in front of his grave..and see his full name with his birthday and date of death engraved upon it. It brought all of the memories flooding back. Honestly, there is not one day that goes by that Mike and I don't at least relive some part of the experience..but in this instance everything flooded over me - from the positive pregnancy tests, childbirth classes and finally looking into his eyes to the unthinkable call we would get the next day, and holding his lifeless body. It was an incredibly difficult experience to visit his site...and we continue to have difficult moments... We just miss him terribly.

So, maybe that's not the update you all were hoping for..but it's real nonetheless. We do have good days, and the good days do outweigh the bad. But there are just so many daily reminders of what we have lost that it makes life difficult from time to time. The one saving grace in all of this is our faith..and in the kindness that God has shown us through this time. Words escape me, but I have never known such extravagant love. I know He is carrying us through this and I know that not only will we be reunited with Drew, we will be blessed here on earth as we wait. We already have been, and continue to be. I still don't understand it, and I probably never will on this side of Heaven...but I trust the Lord with all of my heart.

"He gives power to the faint and weary, and to him who has no might He increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall feebly stumble and fall in exhaust. But those who wait for the Lord shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up as eagles; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40:30-31

Signs and Wonders

After Drew died and we held our intimate burial service for him - Mike, Jackson and I took off for a week long vacation. At that point, it didn't matter to any of us where we went - just that we got away together. About 2 days into our trip, Jackson awoke one morning and ran into our room, "Mom, mom! I just saw Heaven!" Not quite understanding what he was talking about, I asked him what he meant. He excitedly continued, "I just saw Heaven - and it's really sunny, Mom! And guess what? Papa Bill is in a rocking chair rocking Drew, Mommy! He is in Heaven, it is soo sunny!" His words immediately gripped my heart. I believe God allowed Jackson a glimpse into Heaven, to bring us some sort of peace that Drew is definitely there and that my Dad was holding him in that moment.

Just weeks later, we were at church..Mike and I were sitting in the same spot that we have for the past several years. And for the third Sunday in a row, this nice man began to ask us about our baby. He had seen me waddling around pregnant over the previous months and had assumed that we had a healthy baby at home. Tired from answering the questions, Mike and I never had a chance to explain to him that our son had died. But that Sunday, as we sat behind him, I decided that if he asked, I had to tell him. I couldn't go on making him think everything was ok. Sure enough, he turned around and said "How's your baby?!" I explained quietly that Drew had died just 24 hours into his life - and I watched the man's face drop in disbelief. The pastor began the service, and the man turned around. But my attention was drawn to him throughout the service as he cried uncontrollably and removed his glasses to wipe his eyes several times. I turned to Mike and told him how horrible I felt that he was so upset over it. Yet, I didn't understand why he would be - he barely knew us at all. As the service ended, he and his wife turned around, and she gripped my hands with both of hers and looked me fiercely in the eyes as she began to explain that her daughter had died when she was 17. Our experience of losing a child had brought back the pain that they had felt over losing their daughter. She told us we would get through it..to focus on the Lord and to trust Him..to look out for His love notes, because He would be sending them. I took that right there as a love note - year after year we had sat near this dear couple - and they had sat near us...neither one of us knowing eachother beyond a hello - but our lives would collide by the loss of our children. Coincidence? No way. It was God, reminding us that we are not alone..placing them in our path, knowing that we would need them.

God has been sending us these love notes everyday. It has been a hard road so far...as the dust settles, the shock wears off and reality grips us hard. No parent ever wants to bury their child, yet we were faced with the unimaginable task of picking out a tiny casket and burial site for our treasured baby boy. But believe it or not, through each day I have been reminded that we are not alone. I could go on and on about the people that I have come into contact with over the last three months - some that I have known or worked with for years, that have suffered the loss of a child..and have only now shared their stories with me. Knowing that we are surrounded by these people - these people that know our pain all too well - reminds me that God still cares, that He is still here and He is still in control.

We realize that the road ahead is going to be a long one, but we do still have eachother...and the promise of seeing Drew again in eternity. We do believe that God has good days for us ahead - that there will be a rainbow after this storm..and that God will bless us as we keep our eyes fixed on Him.

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

Wishing you and yours peace, comfort and gentle days ahead..

Happy Birthday Reese!

Our niece Reese just turned 1 year old. We celebrated with a party at Nana's house..

Jackson and Noah warming up poolside.

The Birthday Girl with her Daddy.

Me and Reese.

Make a wish!

I may be shorter, but I am still the big sister.

SUMMER DAYS

Jackson taking a much needed break in between his deep dives!

Why grab a glass of water when you can just drink from the waterfall like Mike?

Jackson giving me two "I love you" signs as he pretends to drown. Lovely.

That's my kid behind that giant mask!

Tough kid with quite a tough life!

GO RED SOX!!!

It was almost a no hitter!

I love this picture!

Bring the Rain - Mercyme

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Is the Lord God Almighty

Thank You

Mike and I want to sincerely thank each and every one of our friends, family and acquaintances for all of the love and support you have shown to us through this difficult time in our lives. Although this has been by far the darkest and most painful experience for us, the love that has been shown even through complete strangers has been overwhelming and has served as a light at the end of this tunnel for our family. Words simply cannot express our gratitude.

The past three weeks have been long for us. The pregnancy and birth of our dear son were by far the most joyful times in our life. We were so happy to meet and hold him. The pregnancy was uneventful and healthy, so we had no reason to believe that Drew would be so sick. The delivery was even smooth. When Drew was finally born, we were overcome with emotion and joy. He was beautiful - and he was a dream come true not only for Mike and I - but especially for Jackson. He looked healthy when he was placed on my stomach for a moment and then the nurses took him to a nearby warmer to suction him and swaddle him. He was having some respiratory difficulty - which is exactly what Jackson had shown after birth too - so we weren't worried, and neither were the doctors or nurses. We got to hold him for about 15 minutes or so as a family before the nurse said she wanted to take him to the nursery to give him oxygen for a couple hours. We had no idea that the first time we held our son would be the last time we would hold him alive.

Over the next 24 hours, Drew was transported and several tests were run to determine why his lungs were not oxygenating his blood. During the transition from the womb to the air, Drew's lungs did not kick start as they should have. This is a very rare condition known as Persistent Pulmonary Hypertension of the newborn (PPHN). The doctors tried everything they could to help Drew's lungs to make the transition, but they ultimately did not succeed as Drew took a turn for the worst the next day and his heart stopped beating. PPHN is so rare that doctors do not even have definitive causes for it. They have ideas of what might contribute, but in Drew's case all of those possible contributors were ruled out. His autopsy revealed that his body was normal and the cause of death is listed as idiopathic PPHN. Idiopathic meaning there is no explanation as to what caused his condition. He just fell within that 1% of babies, unfortunately.

For us, the medical information only further reinforces what we already know to be true. God had planned to take Drew at the day and hour that He did, long before Drew was even conceived. His life was not at all a mistake, and though we ask why - we know that God had a purpose for his life and that Drew fulfilled his purpose within his short time with us. We cling to the hope that we will see him again. This life is like a drop of water compared to what awaits us in eternity. We all have a purpose here, and God knows the number of our days long before we take our first breath. We know that this is not the end. This life is a prelude of what is to come and we will have eternity with Drew in Heaven. We believe that with all of our hearts and know that he is safe with our Heavenly Father.

This does not mean that we don't find ourselves broken and crying out to God - because we do. God does not give explanations though - He gives promises. And we know He loves us and He loves Drew even more than we can imagine. We trust Him in the midst of our despair and our questions and know that He will give us beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning and peace for despair.

What Mike and I have come to realize through this is that God, more than anyone else, knows our pain. Not only because He is God, but because He, too, experienced the death of His son. God has so powerfully demonstrated His love for us by reminding us of this truth. Not only did His son die as Drew did - but He GAVE His son's life. If God would have asked me if I would give my son to save even one person, honestly - I would have said no. But He gave His son for all of us. That is a love that I cannot comprehend - a love that absolutely blows my mind...but it shows me the character of my God..of the God that now holds our son in his arms, and calms the storms raging within our hearts.
We have no idea how people survive the death of a child without the Lord, because He is what is carrying us through this.

Drew is forever a part of our family, his pictures - like his big brother's - will adorn our walls and tables as they would if he were here with us. Any children that the Lord blesses us with here after will know that they have a big brother named Drew in Heaven that they will meet one day.
Mine and Mike's job as parents is to make sure our other children here get there too, and to continue to raise them to love Christ.

God is doing big things with Drew's life. And they are not at all limited to our family alone. We have already begun to see the fruit of what our precious baby has accomplished in his short time here.
It is our prayer that God will somehow use Drew's life to bless you and your family - to give you a renewed perspective of what is truly important in this life and to cause you to put love above all else.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:14-16

Praise You in This Storm
by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now, God you would have reached down, and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say Amen and it's still raining.

But as the thunder rolls, I barely hear you whisper through the rain, 'I am with you,' And as your mercy falls, I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives...and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands. For you are who you are, no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, you hold in your hands. You never left my side. Though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm.

I remember when, I stumbled in the wind. You heard my cry, you raised me up again. My strength is almost gone. How can I carry on if I can't find you?

But as the thunder rolls, I barely hear you whisper through the rain, 'I am with you,' And as your mercy falls, I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives...and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands. For you are who you are, no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, you hold in your hands. You never left my side. Though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm.

I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and earth.
I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and earth.

And I'll praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands. For you are who you are, no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, you hold in your hands. You never left my side. Though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm.

Drew Michael Phillips

Drew Michael Phillips came into the world Saturday, April 14 at 2:05pm. He weighed 7lbs 3 oz and was 20.5 inches long. He looked to be the picture of health..and was the spitting image of his Daddy.

Unfortunately, Drew had trouble maintaining his oxygen levels and for some unknown reason, God called Drew home on Sunday April 15th. We are so thankful for the short time we had with him and continue to praise the Lord in spite of our pain. Our hearts are completely broken at this time and we greatly appreciate your love and prayers.

Mike, Jessica & Jackson

Baby Update

No baby yet! We have officially passed all three due dates given, so my doctor is giving us through this weekend to see if we can go into labor on our own..otherwise he will meet with me Monday to schedule an induction for next week. So there is an end in sight!!

An Attitude of Gratitude

For anyone that has known me for a good amount of time - they know that where I am today is light years from where I was just years ago. This pregnancy has stirred me in a way that has caused me to reflect back on the decisions I made so flippantly in my early years of college - where it landed me at the time, and where I thought I would be at this point certainly wasn't here. When my life was turned upside down by a series of poor choices, I humbly turned to God and admitted defeat. My way was not working. I had screwed up big time - and for what I had thought would be my life. But, amazingly, through His goodness and mercy - He turned my life around. I kept my eyes and my focus on Him and he blessed me well beyond all I could dare to ask for or think of. When I look back at where I was - the desperation and despair I felt - and see now how His faithfulness and goodness have brought me through, I am overwhelmed. I am so grateful for those years of struggle - I don't believe I would be where I am today if I had not been forced to face such harsh realities and press through them. I am so incredibly grateful for what God has done, and have learned that true happiness is wanting what I have - and I have certainly been given so much more than I deserve through my husband, my son and my healthy baby boy. Success takes on a new meaning to me now. Success is learning from failure - from trusting God in the midst of seemingly hopeless circumstances..believing that He loves me and that His plans for my life are far above and beyond all I could hope for. He is so good!

"You are sunrise, you are blue skies. How would I know the morning, if I knew not midnight? Your light rises, you're the light of a new dawn. So thank you, thank you...for after a long night, you are sunrise.."

Our Baby

Here are some pictures from our 3D ultrasound. My due date has been moved up yet again, he is now expected late March. Look at those chubby cheeks! And he has definitely inherited Dad's full lips!! When the sonographer was looking at the baby in picture 2, he said "Who has the big bottom lip in the family?" To which I laughed and said "Turn around." He took one look at Mike and said "There it is!" He is definitely his father's son. Lucky boy!

More cruise pictures

Jackson with his Papa, Sisters, my little man and a caribbean sunset...

More cruising fun..

Cruising while carrying precious cargo..

We were fortunate enough to be able to take a western caribbean cruise this last January. We visited Belize, Cozumel, Costa Maya and Grand Cayman and had an absolute blast. The weather was beautiful, the beaches pristine and the shopping was great! Traveling at 7 months pregnant was interesting - but it was a welcome break from reality! This vacation marked our last as a family of 3...

A little late, I know..

What a cute couple!

Taken back in October during our getaway to the beautiful Oregon coast...

Fearfully and wonderfully made...

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:14-16

With immense pride and joy, we would like to announce that we are having another boy! We are thrilled and can't wait to meet him. Thank you, Lord - how could we ever ask for more...

The better to kick you with, my dear!
This was the ONLY profile shot our little guy would give us. He turned his head and opened his mouth at the same time, as you can see here. I think he has inherited Dad's cute ski-slope nose!
This one was really neat because we could see the lens of his right eye. AMAZING. He sat facing us for most of the ultrasound.
Hi Grandmas & Grandpas - let the spoiling begin!


VERY proud (and round) Mommy at 19 weeks.

More Fun..

Time flies when you're having fun!

We took many trips to Tahoe over the last few months - here are some pictures of Jackson with The Spitz kids in Tahoe and also one of him and Mike enjoying a Giants game..

Surprise Surprise

While I realize that this picture looks like nothing more than a case of bloating, I must promise you it is much more than that! After one month of trying to conceive and 3 positive pregnancy tests (Mike just couldn't believe our luck after one) we are excited to announce that we are expecting a bundle of joy in April 2007!! Praise God for our little miracle!

Jackson's First Day of 1st Grade

Here is Jackson excited to enter his new classroom on his first day of 1st grade...











Here is Jackson on that very same day, looking less than enthused that I had the gall to follow him into the classroom and shamelessly snap photos while teary eyed and choked up. The look says it all: "Leave, Mom."

Random Pictures

Jackson at Bubba Gump's








Really weird - we see this guy every Halloween. Kind of creepy.








Laura & Jessica at a crab feed in Petaluma








Jackson and his best friend Jameson sopping wet in San Diego.








Our good friends Dan & Laura

Jackson

Well, it's official. Jackson is 6 years old today. I can hardly believe it. It seems like just yesterday the doctor handed him to me all swaddled in a blanket..my how time flies. I had promised him his dinner of choice tonight and a trip to get his favorite dessert at BJ's, but he actually ended up wanting to stay home and have tri-tip, garlic bread and potatoes. He even requested a custom made sundae prepared by moi with chocolate ice cream, chocolate sauce and m&m's. Hey, the boy knows what he wants!
After I tucked him into bed tonight and said his prayers, I was stopped by his small voice on my way downstairs.."Mom? Can you take the stuffed animals out of my bed? I don't need them now that I am 6." Of course, I complied - though I did feel a little pain in my heart at the realization that he truly is growing up and is making a concerted effort to leave those baby days behind. SIGH.
Time for another one! :) Jackson will be having two birthday parties this weekend here at our house (Family & Friend), so we are clamoring to prepare. I will post pictures of my proud little man enjoying the festivities next week.
Until then..

Maui Vacation

We just returned from a week long trip to the beautiful island of Maui. We had an absolute blast, and even realized that our camera wasn't working properly mid-trip (This will be apparent in a few of our night time pictures - just imagine proper lighting, darn it!) We are officially shopping for a new camera!

Wedding Bells & Dogs

I have to admit, I had so much fun at my sister's wedding that I failed miserably in my feat to take pictures. Her mom IS a photographer and did hire a team of photographers (including herself) that would rival that of any paparazzi clan. So, I should be able to snag one to post soon. Aja was beautiful as was the ceremony and reception. We are very excited for her.

In other news, we just got a new black lab on Sunday. We had originally planned on getting one in June, but then began to talk about the benefits of an older black lab as opposed to a puppy. Mike and I actually took a weekend trip to Napa and overheard a family friend talking about a 3-year-old black lab that was fully trained and needed a home since his owners were moving. And here we are, with a BIG dog. We decided to keep his original name given by his owners - Hunter. He is pretty cute, but Mike and I are learning the hard way that having a dog is like having another kid...so it has been quite an adjustment to say the least. But hopefully, it will all be worth it. Once our backyard is finished and he can be back there more, it should relieve some of the stress I am feeling.

Other than that, Jackson and I have been battling illnesses this week and Mike has been busier than ever with real estate. We are looking forward to this weekend...since we have nothing but a trip to the salon (for me) planned! Those are the best weekends for us - since quiet weekends are hard to come by!
Hope all of you are doing well!

Fun in the sun

These pictures were taken on our Caribbean adventure. The top one was taken in Antigua and the one of the three of us was in St. Thomas. We really enjoyed our vacation. It was a nice break from the chilly Northern California weather. Both sides of our family joined us including some good friends. Mike is already busy planning the next big group cruise January 14-21, 2007. This one will be a Western Caribbean on Royal Caribbean's Explorer of The Seas...so if any of you are interested in joining, let us know!

On another note, the Michalak-Tiller side of the family is getting ready for Aja's big wedding. She is actually marrying an old high school friend of Jessica's, which makes it even more exciting! (Pat Michael, for those of you who remember) Pat & Aja have arranged for Jessica to walk down the aisle with another old friend, John--more for their own kicks of seeing two old friends years later. So, it should be a very exciting weekend, to say the least. AND, much to Aja's horror, we plan to chronicle the event with pictures on this page...or at the very least post a picture or two!

Until next time...

Our Family

Welcome!

Welcome to our blog! I have to give credit to Heidi for the idea, but since we are so busy and rarely get to see many of our near and dear friends, we thought this would be a great way to keep in touch. Please come and visit often! (I pray that I can be as faithful a blogger as Heidi!)